Horseplayers come in all shapes and sizes. Some of us play every day, some every weekend, others every once and a while. There are times when it can be difficult to identify where you fit in relations to the most die-hard players in the game. Thankfully, I've come up with a scientifically accurate quiz to help you determine whether you're a novice or a hardcore gambler. The margin of error for this quiz is 0%. The quiz determines all.
Question #1: Which statement best describes how you would celebrate Thanksgiving Day:
A) You spend the entire day with your family enjoying turkey, stuffing, cranberry, and pumpkin pie, with an occasional eye on whatever NFL game is on. No betting because, hey, it's Thanksgiving!
B) You are parked in front of the TV switching between football and TVG/HRTV, tossing an occasional spot play bet down before sitting down at the dinner table.
C) Football? Aqueduct in the morning. Churchill Downs in the afternoon. Hollywood in the evening. You eat your turkey in your recliner with your laptop within easy reach.
D) You spend Thanksgiving in Vegas, at the track or at the OTB.
Question #2: Which statement best describes how you prepare for the Kentucky Derby?
A) You pick up a Form a couple of days before the race and spend the next two days handicapping your picks.
B) You start to follow the prep season during the last month when horses are running in the Santa Anita Derby, the Wood, Arkansas Derby, and the Blue Grass.
C) Derby preparation begins in January with the first three year old stakes races of the year. You have a file on your computer that tracks all of the winners from the preps, you have multiple Road to the Roses stables, and by Derby week you can name the jockey, trainer, running style, and recent races for every horse in the field.
D) You follow every maiden race during the summer/fall trying to pick out a two-year old that you can place a huge future wager down on when you are in Vegas....on Thanksgiving.
Question #3: You're at the track having a very successful day at the races and as you are waiting in line to make a bet on you big long shot play of the day, a 30/1 first time starter that you are certain is going to blow the field away. While waiting in line an older man, obviously going through a long losing streak that day, asks you for advice on who to bet in the next race. Which statement describes your most likely course of action:
A) You tell him about you live long shot in the next race because everyone deserves to cash a ticket.
B) You tell him to bet the favorite
C) You quickly pick a random horse out of the Form and tell him to bet it so you can get back to figuring out how you want to play the trifecta.
D) You tell him you like a different longest shot in the race because you don't want him to bet your horse and drive down the odds.
Question #4: Which statement best describes how you spend your non-betting dollars when you are at the track:
Question #5: Which statement best describes how you take in a day at the track:
A) You buy hot dogs and soda, perhaps an ice cream cone and a souvenir hat, plus something for the kids if they are tagging along that day.
B) You'll buy a few beers and a hot dog if you get incredibly hungry, nothing else.
C) You sneak in food and pop so you don't have to spend any money on non-gambling items.
D) Your bankroll is like precious diamonds. When you are at the track you don't eat and you don't drink. Food is for the weak.
A) You like to buy a grandstand box so you can have a place to sit, have a TV to watch the simulcast, and have a server to bring you food and drink.
B) Your spend most of your time at the rail, in the paddock, or at the bar.
C) You have a seat in the simulcast center permanently reserved just for you by track management.
D) You have a special spot in the grandstand where you position yourself for the entire day. Nobody ever sees you unless you are walking to and from the wagering windows. You show no emotion when you win or when you lose, you just keep betting and cashing (or not cashing) tickets. You anonymously leave after your last betting race is over.
Question #6: Which best describes the manner in which you would play a day's bankroll of $100 if you were at the track for a ten race card and a horse in the first race is by far your best bet of the day:
A) Spread your $100 out equally across all ten races.
B) Put a majority of your bankroll on the horse in the first race with the results determining how hard or light you'll bet the rest of the card.
C) Put $100 down on your pick to win. If the horse wins, you spend the rest of the day blowing the profits. If the horse loses, you walk to your car and drive home.
D) Put $100 down on your pick to win. Win, and you're playing all night. Lose, you make a trip to the ATM.
Question #7: You're at the track and it's the last race of the day. It's been a so-so day of results but in the last raceyou play a 25/1 shot that rolls home to win for fun. Which statement best describes your reaction:
A) You jump up and down screaming, break out some really bad dance moves and engage in whatever behavior lets everyone else around you know that you just brought home the long shot.
B) As the horse rolls through the stretch you pound on the table yelling, "Come on 5!" You give a little fist pump after the horse wins and walk to the window to cash your ticket.
C) As soon as your horse crosses the finish line you open up your Form to see what other tracks around the country are still racing and you settle in for a night of simulcasting.
D) You walk to the window to cash your ticket still fuming about the bug boy that cost you the Pick 3 in the last race.
Question #8: You are betting from home on Kentucky Derby and you're also hosting a Derby Day party. Prior to the first race of the day your computer completely breaks down. What do you do?
A) Frantically start searching draws and boxes for the number of your ADW's phone wagering service.
B) Call one of your friends and ask him or her to bring their lap top over to your house as quickly as possible.
C) Drive to the track, place all of your bets for the day and then drive home.
D) You call your bookie.
Question #9: How do you play the card on Kentucky Derby day?
A) A bunch of wagers on the Derby but you don't bet the under card.
B) You wager on the Derby and only the graded stakes races on the card.
C) You play all the races on the Churchill card up to the Derby.
D) You bet the entire Churchill card, including the races after the Derby, along with Belmont, Arlington, and Hollywood. After Churchill is done you wait to play Sam Houston, Louisiana Downs, Mountaineer, and the simulcast from Chile.
Question #10: And finally, true or false: Hitting a huge bet (Superfecta, Pick 4, Pick 6) is better than sex?
For questions 1-9, give yourself 1 point for every "A" answer, 2 points for each "B", 3 points for each "C", and 4 points for each "D". For question 10, 1 point for "A" and 4 points for "B".
You politely wait your turn in line to place a bet.
You impatiently wait in line while the guy in front of you places his bets.
Women and children first, unless you've got a live long shot.
You'll step over a guy having a heart attack so you don't get shut out at the window.*
*Thank you, Jerry Izenberg, for one of my all-time favorite quotes. (from SportsCentury Secretariat)